Think you love yourself? Think again. I used to get so frustrated when someone would talk to me about loving myself. I would say, “I DO love myself!”… I’d enjoy myself, I’d go on dates, I’d have fun, I’d do all my favorite things, buy my favorite things, I’d laugh. I’d wonder what more I could do?
Here are some indicators I learned that showed me I may not be as close to loving myself as I thought (and why):
If You Judge Others
If you are judging others, it means you are actually judging yourself for judging them. And that’s because you know, if you were that way (a liar, a cheater, etc.), you wouldn’t believe you are worthy of love (by God or anyone else) so how do these people get off? The truth is we are loved no matter what by God and the entire universe as we stumble around and discover who we truly are. They’re setting the example! But what we tend to do is think we need to be perfect and we squelch those characteristics in ourselves or hide them from others as best we can. Judging someone for the same behavior we run away from in ourselves only perpetuates that behavior and keeps it in our lives in a way that makes it manifest in very weird ways we can’t control… blurting out things inappropriately, losing our temper out of nowhere, crying for no reason, etc. So what can you do? When you find yourself judging someone, talk to yourself (in your mind) and assure YOU that you love yourself despite you judging that other person. Then, if you want to make real progress, you also look at that person and respect the power of what they’re saying (not the behavior, but the power of it… how it makes you react, grips your heart, makes you want to run, etc.). When you stop and face it in this way, it’s like you dissipate the behavior itself and absorb the power back into yourself instead of giving your own power away to them by allowing them to cause you to react or act out against them (or have a bad day following). Life is all about presenting you with these opportunities for self healing. You’ll keep experiencing these things you judge till you finally love yourself enough to inadvertently love them too (in that order). Try this exercise and see for yourself. It works!
If you have something happen and end up talking about it with everyone you know for awhile
This means you’re lacking confidence in your own decision making and are looking for validation from others. It also means you’re still addicted to drama. When you love yourself, you learn to drop the drama and get back to what’s important in life… being your true authentic self… the beingness… the aliveness in your body in this moment not worrying about the future or dwelling on the past. Letting go of the future and past and remaining here in the stillness of your true self is the most powerful way to show the universe (and your higher self) that you trust it completely, have faith in your spirit guides and angels bringing out the best possible outcome, and you allow the real magic and power to happen in your life. You learn to go within for your answers and accept any consequences that result having the best possible attitude (self talk) about those consequences as always being a gift (see also my article “It’s All Just Energy“). Of course, if you do need to ask for advice on things periodically, just have the attitude that you’re still in the process of building confidence and will just need some “spotting” from time to time… that you’re just fine being just how you are right now! This will help cultivate your intuition (our direct guidance from God and his angels once we quiet our minds enough to receive). Ask yourself what you get intuitively about a subject THEN ask what someone else gets (then also see what ultimately happens). You can develop confidence in your guidance this way (by checking in yourself first).
If someone compliments you and you get embarrassed, minimize it, or wonder what their motive is
If someone compliments you, take it! If they insult you, don’t take it. Why? Because you decide what you believe and how you take it. Don’t listen to criticism unless you can do so in a purely objective way. If you have a strong love for yourself, you take compliments well and don’t get off kilter if someone doesn’t like something about you… or all of you. In fact, if your self talk in your mind is so loving and accepting you’re your own best friend, you’ll wonder what’s wrong with anyone who disapproves… and get away from them. It’d be like looking at a toxic spill pondering whether you’d like to go play in it. No! Get the heck away from toxicity of any form! You don’t have time for that. Just move on to better, more uplifting friends and environments!
If you go on a date with a cute guy, he (sincerely) acts nuts about you, and you wonder what’s wrong with him
This is why it’s so important we love ourselves before we find the right guy. You don’t want to end up pushing him away every time he compliments you, is faithful to you, shows you public displays of affection, looks you in the eyes and tells you how madly in love he is. If you don’t think a man could pour it on thick and you’d be able to handle it, you’ve got to cultivate more love for yourself until the voice in your head sounds just like his! Assure yourself of how beautiful, talented, unique, special, and amazing you are every second, every minute all day long. We really don’t encourage this in our society, but it’s crucial. And, no, it’s not conceited or selfish. In fact, the more we truly (and sincerely) love ourselves, the more loving we are to others. That’s the truth.
If you can’t look in the mirror, look yourself in the eyes, and say “I love you”
Obviously, if you can’t do this, you haven’t reached this level of intimacy with yourself and it’ll be hard to do the same with someone else. Sometimes we think, if we just love this other person enough, it’ll make up for the lack of love I have for myself, but it doesn’t work that way. You’ll end up in a dysfunctional mess of projection and more self defeating behavior trying to gain someone else’s love when it’s really your love you’re actually striving for without realizing. Practice saying I love you to yourself (and meaning it) as often as you can. Make funny faces at yourself, smile lovingly, wink, whatever, but let it be loving and unconditionally accepting. If someone was just critical of you, run to a mirror and tell yourself what YOU think of what they said (“You’re so sweet… I don’t care what anyone says… you’re aces in my book. You’ve got such a big heart so don’t be fooled by their projections. I’ll cut you slack even if they won’t. You can do no wrong as far as I’m concerned. I love you no matter what. You can try to be awful, but I’ll just see through it and tell you the truth.”)
If you’re staying in an obviously unhealthy relationship, you wouldn’t advise your best friend to stay in if your rolls were reversed, because you want it to get better fixating on the parts that are great
This is a very common one and that’s ok. If you’re in this position right now, that’s ok. It’s all ok. You’re there for a reason, though, and that’s what you’re after… that’s the gem. Life isn’t about whether or not your marriage will last, whether your kids make it to college, or whether you are going to ‘make it’ in the world. If you’re so enthralled in your relationship that you will accept ill treatment, you just don’t love yourself enough and you’re focusing on meaningless pursuits (worldly gain). This is a good indicator that you need to get back to who/what you truly are, get back in the moment, and trust the guidance given you from the “Kingdom of God within” (the stillness in you). Learn to trust that. It is your greatest protection. If you’re struggling with whether to stay or not, and there’s verbal or physical anguish, you’re there to learn a lesson and move on. When you do so, you will be loving yourself and opening yourself up to someone else in the future who actually love themselves, too, so you can have a healthy relationship that thrives and nourishes you in meaningful ways.
If someone offers you a raise and you insist someone else is better for the job or wonder why they chose you
If someone deems you worthy of a raise, there’s a reason. And, if you can’t see that reason, trust them and search to find it. Start making a list of why you are valuable in all areas of your life. What are you naturally talented at? Where do you feel you exhibit loving tendencies? How do you take care of yourself on a daily basis? What obstacles have you overcome? Keep a notepad on you and keep a running list browsing through this list from time to time during breaks throughout your day. Keep a running commentary of how lovely you are as you go about your day. Notice when you do something sweet, funny, charming, or kind. Give yourself encouragement like you would a friend.
Please feel free to leave a comment below with any questions or feedback. Namaste.
ROSE QUARTZ = inner peace, love for one's self, sensitivity, compassion, puts you in a state of mind that allows you to receive love. If you are suffering from lost or unrequited love it will help to comfort you; if you have been betrayed in love it will help bring back faith and trust, as well as a sense of self-worth and self-esteem; if you have simply never been in love, it will open up all the possibilities of falling in love.
rose quartz + chrysocolla is used to calm a volatile or rocky relationship.
rose quartz + watermelon tourmaline is used for overcoming nerves or fear related to love.
rose quartz with chrysoprase is believed to be useful in overcoming jealousy.
MOONSTONE = cultivates passion, romance, sexual energy
moonstone + rhodonite = help bury old feelings and memories of past affairs
KUNZITE = romance and marriage. reduce stress and depression. It is often used by those suffering from a wounded heart
LAPIZ LAZULI = overcome shyness and timidity, bringing inner harmony and increasing your spiritual levels, whilst helping to win over the affection of others. It is also thought to enhance fidelity within marriage.
RHODONITE = is a stone of self love. Also known as a "rescue stone", rhondonite is believed to ease away love scars and bring on forgiveness in others.
SAPPHIRE = is the stone often used as a pledge of love, and sometimes known as the gem of new love. Encourages trust and commitment and is often used when loved ones are apart for long periods of time, gifted as a sign of commitment. Sapphire helps to create mental clarity, and also assists in finding new love, helping to build that initial bond and harmony.
JADE = can attract and enhance love of all kinds. It is also a stone of fidelity and generosity. It is also considered to be good for the physical heart and for emotional balance and stability.
AZURITE, CHRYSOCOLLA, AQUAMARINE, RUBY, MOONSTONE, OR ROSE QUARTZ = increase your self-confidence and feelings of self-worth
HEMATITE OR ROSE QUARTZ = To Raise your self-esteem
MOONSTONE, ROSE QUARTZ, OR PINK KUNZITE = To improve your self-image
ROSE QUARTZ, RHODOCHROSITE, OR PINK KUNZITE = To Learn to love yourself