My Journey To Positivity
You may not believe this, but I was flat out pessimistic in my early 20's. I hated the world and thought everyone around me was to blame for my upset. I wanted everyone around me to just change already (then my life would work)! I always knew the perfect thing they could do to make my life SO much easier. I thought people who were positive were just "Mary Poppins in the clouds" and that, as soon as they had their bubble popped, they'd be right down here with me so why not just be here when they pop to reassure them this is where reality is with a "See? I told you so. If you just stay down here in reality, you'll never be disappointed". I felt like a total victim of life and thought life must hate me. I loved horses, but they'd only make me happy as long as I was with them. The minute I'd have to deal with people again, on the downward spiral I went. I'd often lock myself in my room watching movie marathons to block out the cold cruel world while my mom would lovingly bring me graham crackers and milk, chocolate chip mint ice cream or even pet my hair and hum to me telling me how precious I was (she was amazing in moments like these, but even that didn't make me happy "out there"). I believed in a God, but thought he must not think very highly of me to put me through all the crap I'd been through. Then I went through a transformational experience in a church that introduced me to the possibility of being happy through God. But somehow striving to be perfect all the time and shunning my sin didn't make me happy either. It made me happy-er to think I was on the "same side as the creator" who was going to keep me safe from damnation if I did my best and I liked hanging out with like minded people who were trying to work on themselves for the most part as well. The camaraderie was great!
But it wasn't till a very loving friend of mine gently kept pointing my focus back to ME that I started to:
1) rebel at her doing that 'cause it would piss me off she kept saying I was the liar when I felt I'd been betrayed by a liar
2) ponder, but not "get" it because my ego wasn't going to go without putting up a HUGE fight then eventually, yes,
3) make breakthroughs that felt like the most authentic loving freedom I had ever felt. I finally felt happy and liberated!
I realized I was the one responsible for my perspective of everything I experienced and, therefore, was the one in full control of my own happiness. This made it scary, but freeing also - depending on whether I believed I could be free or positive enough to remain in a good place. I knew I was fully capable of going either way on the spectrum, but at least I knew I could do something about it if I chose to. I then had an awakening experience for six months that showed me what we are truly capable of as these spirits in human bodies. The intensity of it didn't last more than six months, but that's because I had more to learn before fully resting in that place.
For years following, I was comparing the awakening experience to my even more miserable existence than before, in comparison, and I was brought to another realization. Happiness is a choice. Yes, but how do you choose to be happy when you feel miserable or sad or full of regret? This next part was key. I had to embrace my shadow side. I had to learn to be ok or even good with when I was miserable as well as when I was happy! It was only my judgement of myself that I shouldn't feel that way that really made me depressed. When I learned to embrace all of it... the good and the bad... as all just part of the earthly experience, I was able to begin to love myself and be easier on myself. I immersed myself in things that made me feel happy, inspired, and uplifted as much as I could. Then I'd fall and get depressed feeling like the other stuff was fake and really didn't work. Then I'd watch something and be up again.
It was a clumsy coming to balance, but eventually I decided to put all my belief behind the most positive thoughts I could till I had built up the muscle so strong that it over-road my prior thinking altogether and my undertone in life became "I am so completely loved and supported in all ways and always. Everything always works out so incredibly for me." No matter what happens in my life now, "bad" or "good" only reinforces this because you can't just take a picture of a moment in time and make a blanket statement that your life is bad. You have to take in the whole picture and see the way life is supporting you especially in the seeming struggles (see my exercise "Thank you, God, for my misery"). You are always being led to your highest desires every minute of every day if you can just do your best to align with joy and faith as often as possible and love yourself through the rough parts (which I DO still have). Everything is ALWAYS there to help you wake up and to support your journey - without fail. You just have to retrain your brain to see it, feel it, and know it to your core. Feel free to check out my resources page for further exploration. Some people say "Positivity is great, but sometimes you need the truth" don't realize the truth IS positivity. The rest is misalignment with your truth. In fact, that's how you can tell the truth from the false. If it feels good, it's truth. If it feels bad, it's a lie. If you can turn your bad into good, you've mastered the concept. Nothing bad can ever happen to you if you keep the big picture in mind that everything is for your ultimate evolution. You may have your bubble burst or be disappointed in this moment (which you embrace), but you always know the universe has your back in the long run which gives you the ultimate freedom... positivity.
"When gratitude meets gratitude, a moment of unity occurs. When anger denies its own evolution by lashing out at gratitude, victimhood unfolds. When anger fights against anger, conflict arises. And when the light being attacked by the darkness of judgment knows that the darkness is only attacking to deny its own evolution, liberation has been found. What this means is that we don't need internal turmoil or interpersonal conflict when we're willing to say, 'I get that every moment of my life is a spiritual initiation and, no matter what I think about spirituality, if I can just surrender to the way I define a higher power, that every moment of my life is coming to be because a higher power is guiding me through a journey to go from who I was to my best possible expression (and the in-between doesn't have to be comfortable, convenient, or to my liking) but it is happening for a very big reason even if I don't happen to know what that reason is'... when we can say 'I surrender and will participate and go with this and whatever is taken from me could only be a distraction and everything's happening for my highest evolution, whether it feels good or not', then you have decided to move into the most direct means of evolution. You are saying to life 'I don't need conflict, adversity, or turmoil in order to wake up. When you make that decision, not only do you start to awaken everyone else around you, and fast track them on their evolution, but you start to become a being that can evolve and grow in this world without having to be attacked and victimized by other peoples' unprocessed pain." ~ Matt Kahn,
Please feel free to leave a comment below with any questions or feedback. Namaste.
These are some guided meditations I recommend:
SMOKY QUARTZ = Place a smoky quartz on your desk or in your work space to protect yourself against the stress and frustration of your coworkers or clients.
ROSE QUARTZ = Keep a rose quartz or amethyst with you. When work is stressful, hold it in your hand or rub it with your fingers. Place a rose quartz on a table or shelf in a frequently used room, such as a living room, family room, or den, to fill your home with love and harmony. Use a rose quartz for emotional healing.
BLACK OR DARK STONES = To disperse negative energy, use a black or dark stone, such as onyx, obsidian, tourmaline, jet, apache tear, smoky quartz, or hematite. These stones, when placed about a room, home, or other area, work as environmental cleansers that purify the area and protect it from negative energies.
MOONSTONE, CHRYSACOLLA, AVENTURINE, ROSE QUARTZ, AND BLUE LACE AGATE = These are all stones that help to balance emotions. You can wear them in jewelry, keep them on your person, or take a bath with them.
AQUAMARINE, AVENTURINE, MOONSTONE, RHODONITE, AND ROSE QUARTZ = These are calming stones. Lie down and place one over your heart, or bathe with them, or massage yourself with them.
AVENTURINE, BLACK TOURMALINE, BLACK ONYX, LAPIS, SODALITE, CHRYSOCOLLA, ROSE QUARTZ, CITRINE, SNOWFLAKE OBSIDIAN = To relieve stress, worry, fear, and anxiety. Use one as a "worry stone". A worry stone is a stone that you keep with you, and whenever you feel worried, stressed, or anxious, you take it out and rub it with your fingers. You can also wear it in jewelry, bathe with it, or massage with it.
AMBER, SMOKEY QUARTZ, OR CITRINE = For depression in any of the aforementioned ways.
GARNET, AMETHYST, SNOWFLAKE OBSIDIAN, OR SODALITE = To help control anger. Take it out, hold it, and rub it whenever you feel the need.